The Far Side of Astronomy - Humour of the Astronomical Kind

"You know you're a true astroNUT when..."

... the first thing you notice about any new place is how dark it is.

... you know the word for astronomy in more than one language. (Very useful for the travelling astroNUT, aside from the words: "food "water "help .)

... you wouldn't spend a dime on most things, but you'll splurge when it comes to astronomical equipment.

... the cost of your equipment is more than the vehicle you use to transport it.

... you frown at those who say, "Ah.. so can you predict my future?" and proceed to lecture them on the difference between astronomy and astrology.

... you remembered the dates when you bought your eyepieces, but forgot your mother's/ wife's/ girlfriend's birthday.

... you don't need more exercise since carrying all your equipment burns more calories than a 2-hour gym workout.

... you hate, deplore, despise and curse at M0 (a.k.a. clouds) at any astronomy event... and...

... you have actually developed a personal ritual to chase bad weather away, and are mastering more from other cultures.

... you attempt to outdistance bad weather by driving further up North / South / East / West.

... you care more about a speck of dust on your optics than the thick layer on your living room floor.

... you attempted to locate the main power switch for your district... and...

... you ever aimed a stone (or something to the same effect) at a streetlamp.


(Additions from the Starrynights.. By Tom Campbell :)

... you think that not getting enough sleep at night is a good thing.

... you ask your optometrist about the availability of H-Alpha Sunglasses.
... you center your vacation time around the New Moon.
... you don't buy a house until you've had a chance to see how dark the neighborhood gets at night.
... you build your dream home with a roll-off roof (or optionally, a rotating dome roof).
... all the night lights in your house are red.
... somebody asks you where you live and you tell him the latitude and longitude of your house.
... somebody asks where your town is and you pull out a map and show him how to "star hop" from town to town to find it.
... you've named your kids and pets after stars or constellations.
... you can hand-draw your own star charts down to the 7th magnitude -- from memory!
... when you take a new vehicle for a test drive, the first thing you do is run by home to see whether your telescope will fit in the trunk.


(Additions from other members of Starrynights..  :)

... you pick up a mailing tube and wonder what the focal length would be. -Harry Boswell

... you pour cream into your swirling coffee and see a spiral galaxy. -littlestarhawk

... the Milky Way ruins your night vision. -littlestarhawk

"You know you're a Deep Sky person when..." Refer to for a complete listing.

"... you consider the moon a major annoyance.
... you consider Jupiter 'light pollution'.
... you spend most of your time looking at or for objects you can barely see.
... your favorite objects are objects you can barely see.
... you enjoy looking at faint fuzzies with the smallest possible aperture.
... you enjoy looking at faint fuzzies with the largest possible aperture.
... you like to choose objects that are easier to imagine than to see.
... you're amazed that anyone needs artificial light to read charts.
... you could do a Messier Marathon from memory, if you still bothered with Messier objects.
... you welcome (and have even considered instigating) power cuts, but only if they occur on clear moonless nights."

(Additions : )

... you overdose on Vitamin A and carrots before an observation session.

... you choose the NGC catalogue over Victoria's Secrets.


"Taglines.."  from . Samplers:

"New restaurant on the moon. Great food, no atmosphere."
"Astronomers do it all night."
"Astronomers do it Charging, Coupling and Devising (CCDs)."


"Physics and Astronomy Humour" from  . Humour for astrophysics. Samplers: 

"To invoke the uncertainty principle whenever confronted with confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, and andere schweinhund." - The Physicist's Bill of Rights


"Warning : This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

"Attention : Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

"Important notice to purchasers : The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed." - A Physicist's Considers Consumer Warning Labels


"DSM April 1982 - What they say & what they *really* mean"  from Eric Jamison's . I had a good time laughing. Samplers:

They say "The color contrast is striking." ; They mean "One star is white, the other is white."
They say "The telescope's optics are superb." ; They mean "They magnify atmospheric disturbances perfectly."
They say "The site offers clear skies year round." ; They mean "It is 200 miles from civilization."
They say "A person with average eyesight can split this pair." ; They mean "Over half the world is blind."

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